Hat Trick
by Feichin LeFay
Summary: Call this a deleted Scene from the deleted deleted scene archive. Sometimes when those soldiers are overzealous in their searches, one has to be creative when keeping decent.


Warning: This is complete Silliness, A bit of OOC-ing, a brief OC, Off- stage Slash, and lots of adult humor. And watch out for the hat.  
  
****  
  
"Here?!" The Pirate Captain squawked a protest as he felt the butt of a gun on his backside. "My Good man-I don't think your Commodore or your Captain will approve of this at all."  
  
"Just do it, Sparrow-" The sailor growled.  
  
"CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow to you-Ow! Watch it!" He yelped as the soldier responded with a swift jut of the musket. "All right, All right, but may I please keep my hat?" The raven-haired buccaneer mumbled as he started to untie the sash around his waist.  
  
"Aye." The two salt dogs nodded as they pilfered through each item of clothing that was dropped to the ground.  
  
"Thank you." Sparrow nodded as he promptly used his hat to do what any true-blooded man would do-cover himself. "So how long will this inspection be, gentlemen?" He questioned, letting the very last word oozed with sarcasm as he tapped on his hat lightly-never, NEVER has he suffered such public humiliation-and it didn't help that the women seemed to decide it was a good day to start whistling at said pirate.  
  
"MEN! What kind of lark is this?!" A deceptively young-sounding voice boomed out, as a fiery-haired twenty-something man stormed over; his ragged and salt-scented coat flapped behind him in the strong sea breeze that invaded the town square. "I leave you men for one minute, and you go and strip a man of his clothes! Shameful!" Fawkes Longstreet gnashed his teeth as he placed his hands on his hips.  
  
"'Tis ain't a lark, Captain Longstreet, 'Tis is Jack Sparrow-"  
  
"CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow!" Jack interrupted. "Captain, CAPTAIN, is it so hard to say?"  
  
"Lark means a silly or needless jest, gentlemen, and may I ask why is that pirate standing out in the middle of the square-with-with only his hat to cover himself!? Captain Fawkes Longstreet, is this some sort of a joke? If it is, it is a very poor one, and unbecoming of Her Majesty's Officer." Commodore Norrington sighed as he eyed the self-proclaimed 'Best Pirate Catcher of West Indies' with more then a healthy amount of suspicion.  
  
"Nay Commodore, I may be lonely at times, but I am not that desperate, and I wouldn't do anything as indecent as plucking a sparrow's feathers-"  
  
"Oh no..." Jack groaned as he tapped the hat in aggravation. "If your going to start cracking jokes about my name-gentlemen--I WILL remove my hat." The cat-eyed rapscallion growled threateningly.  
  
"Do it and I'll hang you sans clothing!" Norrington shot back, cursing the damn idiots who stripped Sparrow, and then swore up and down about the Pirate's damnable hat drawing more attention to where no one should be looking, and generally blaspheming in his head. "I am sure you wish to die slightly more dignified manner then that!"  
  
"Uh-Sir, you said you would not do that due to public decency laws." Fawkes interjected-trying so hard to suppress a laughter that threatened to burst.  
  
"God damn it Longstreet, Don't remind me!" The British Officer snapped uncharacteristically.  
  
All that the Naval and the Pirate Captain could do is raise their brows at this strange show of temper. God forbid that he should ever curse!  
  
"Mr. Sparrow, do pick up your clothing." Norrington snarled slightly as he tried-and failed-to not look at the damnable hat. "You can't trounce about the village half-naked-what about the sensibilities of the wo-"  
  
Almost as if on cue, a bonnie lass had whistled--quite appreciative of the sculpted, bronzed form, no doubt.  
  
"Well Commodore, I don't believe the womenfolk mind this at tall." Fawkes grinned wickedly. "In fact, I say they enjoyed it." The redheaded man chuckled to himself.  
  
"Sparrow, I said to get your clothing off of the ground." Norrington moaned as he tore his eyes from the pirate to his underling. "And Fawkes Longstreet, I'm sure you'll enjoy peeling the onions for our cook." Don't look at the damn pirate's crotch, don't look at it, Norrington-GOD DAMN IT, you just had to do that?! The poor Commodore growled bitterly to himself.  
  
"CAPTAIN Sparrow, Commodore. And I am most certainly not going to bend over to get them." Jack retorted, but it seemed rather half-hearted when one considered the Cheshire like grin that had plastered itself on the man's face.  
  
Perhaps that isn't such a good ideal then... The older man grumbled as he felt the heat in his cheeks grow quite vivid. Stop doing it, you should be above doing such a base thing as-I can't believe that as idiotic as men can be that THIS would happen.  
  
"For God's sake, one of you better hand the poor man his clothes, and Captain Sparrow-" He made sure he met the man's eyes this time.  
  
"Uh. Commodore, I'm going to have to remove my hat-" Jack shrugged as he slowly pulled one hand away from the headgear that kept the man's last shred of decency. Well, wearing only a hat in front of British Soldiers wasn't exactly on the top of his list of leisure activities-but seeing the composed Commodore becoming quite nonplussed made it all the worthwhile. Maybe I should have this happen more often... the scoundrel laughed to himself.  
  
Damn pirate... This is not funny at all! Commodore Norrington growled to himself as his clasped hands clenched painfully tight.  
  
"NEVERMIND!" The British man sputtered in outrage and embarrassment. Immediately, Sparrow had replaced the strayed hand upon the headgear "Men, gather his clothes! SPARROW! You are coming with me to the Barracks!" He barked the commands at them. "And I really do not think you can try to resist those orders considering your current state of dress... or lack therefore of." He snarled and quickly went about face, before his eyes would betray him again.  
  
"Aye sir, I really love the invitation, sir, I certainly hope to repay the favor." The rogue smirked as he waggled his dark brows suggestively.  
  
The poor Naval officer could not hold it in any longer, and with that note, Fawkes Longstreet collapsed onto the ground in a fit of uproarious laughter-not helping the situation in the very least.  
  
"Enough! Onion duty calls, Longstreet!" Norrington hissed as his brows knitted together in anger; it was far too late to keep an even demeanor.  
  
With a silly grin, the pirate daringly mocked the military goosestep, somehow managing to keep the darn hat in place. It's good to see the old stiff get hot under the collar... but I rather have done it without getting my buns toasted in the process.  
  
Upon entering the imposing fortress, the Commodore snatched Jack's trousers from the hapless sailor; yanked the pirate by the shoulder, and dragged him into a small guard room.  
  
"Get your damn trousers on, and be quick about it, or I will break the rules and hang you in the flesh." Norrington glowered as he took a seat at the small playing card table set up in the room, arms crossed.  
  
"Nay Sir, maybe I shouldn't take my hat off." The pitch-haired man laughed, as an insidiously evil plan formulated in his head. Oh, this is just too much fun!  
  
"Do not toy with me, Sparrow, get the damnable hat off and put your pants on for crissakes!" The officer groaned as he clutched his forehead. "Good god, you can try a Saint's patience."  
  
"Do you really want me to remove this hat here?" He asked mockingly sweet.  
  
"Yes, Yes, just get that stupid hat off you stupid pirate!"  
  
With a smirk, Jack Sparrow started to remove one hand from the object in question.  
  
Norrington gulped and fiddled with a charcoal stick to distract himself.  
  
Then he removed the second one.  
  
"Now get your pants on." Norrington muttered, his eyes averted.  
  
"Can't, my hat is still on." The pirate cackled.  
  
"What the--?" The Commodore questioned as he looked up from the table, and regretted it immediately.  
  
SNAP! Went the charcoal stick, as all color drained from the man's face.  
  
"You are a PERVERT!" 


End file.
